I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the myth of lack of empathy in autistic people is just that a myth. It’s a horrible, unhelpful and hurtful myth. It denies and takes away the from autistic people the accepted emotional responses of grief, loss, sadness, and others. It inhibits that acceptance of autistic people plumbing the depths of the their own soul, to be permitted to feel deeply the emotions that are a real and very present part of their daily experience.
Right now I am myself experiencing this so deeply it is indeed an experience of finding just how deep the waters of my soul descend.
I will always be the first to say that my expression of emotions is a an area of difficulty, however, as I have also said before the ability to feel them is not, and in many cases is far more intone with the feeling than it is for many neurotypcial people.
I watched in horror yesterday evening as I saw my uncles sit with my grandma as she breathed her last and passed on her mortal coil and beyond the mortal life we all live.
It was heartrending, heartbreaking, heart tearing. The emotions and feelings writhe within me, they writhe with a depth of feeling I can only begin to fathom towards the extended family who are far off and unable to be with her. The depth of feeling is indescribable. for me.
I can hear the neurotypicals putting words of expression around the feelings and the processes. I can’t do that in the same way. I can’t even nuance out the differences between them.
I am plumbing the depths of my soul looking to express, looking to feel to the depth I am supposed to. It is an incredibly painful experience. There are not words I can access that begin to provide a picture of the level of emotion churning within me.
I am sure there is sadness, grief and loss mixed in there but I am also sure that there are many others too. This is an incredibly difficult time. It is exhausting and difficult. The pain levels are exhausting, the emotional dissonance even more so.
Where does this road lead. it doesn’t bring back my glorious Grandmother. Is it worth walking this road, will I be a better person for this. I don’t know. I know that it hurts like hell. I know that I wish I was able to make the pain go, make the world stop, to cut out this pain from my heart.
Yes it is a myth, we autistics don’t lack empathy, or any feelings for that matter. We feel just as deeply, perhaps at times more deeply, than others. We don’t always express it well but boy we sure as hell feel it. Deeply, purely and abundant