well Yes I should be writing that book. That book that seems like it is going to happen, really going to happen. That sense I had that something about my life might just be worth writing about.
I sent my initial proposal to a publisher this week and they are keen to speak with me and sent me a proforma with all these bits to fill in. This whole crazy idea is suddenly becoming real, or at least potentially real.
But here’s the thing, I basically have a Phd in screwing things up for myself. I have lots of ways of doing it, meltdown with the boss is a pretty regular occurrence when I am working. But the most prevalent thing in my arsenal is that procrastination thing. Putting it off, finding other things to do like writing this piece istead of writing chapters for the book and getting into the proforma thing. At times I get myself so busy in doing those other things that the real things, the important things, the things that are going to make a difference in mine and perhaps others lives seem to just flitter away or run through my hands like grains of sand slipping between my fingers.
So then shouldn’t I be writing that book. Well the short answer is a definitive yes, but the loges one is a yes, but, kind of answer. Yes I should, but fear of failure, anxiety and worry about if it will really happen can be really debilitating. And then there is just this whole thing of maybe I’m just imagining that this could happen. Maybe I am just in a kind of fantasy land that I can bring enough words together to make an actual book happen.
And so here I am on my little blog musing about it. Instead of doing it I’m doing something different. Oh what a surprise.
It does occur to me though that those of us who are neurodivergent, those of us with mental health issues, and those with other chronic conditions might just be an expert at doing this procrastinating thing too. I know I’ve come across some that are. It makes me wonder about the source of it. The source that makes me in a sense run from doing things that can be wonderful and successful and do other shit that just doesn’t really have that factor to it.
I mean I am aware I can write a reasonable Essay, a reasonable blog article type piece, but can I actually pull it all together and make the transition from part time blogger to actual author. I know others have done it and I stand in awe of them and hope I can do it too.
I do thin though that part of the whole distraction thing is that there are all those messages than run around and around within from the past. Those messages that say you are hopeless, never amount to anything, dumb, naughty and lazy to name a few. I wonder if others who struggle to keep the focus on the things that will bring success and good things to life have those same kind of messages. It seems to me that they are pretty common messages for those of us that went through large parts of their lives as undiagnosed autistic.
But really shouldn’t you be writing that book?