A terrible day for the world, a doubly terrible day for the nation of France. Terrorists dressed in suicide vests blowing themselves up and along with them hundreds of people. It is a despicable act. An act wrought out of some ideology that I simply am fire_explosion_globalunable to fathom.

I simply am unable to understand how a human being can believe that blowing themselves up is a way of obtaining justice for a people, freedom from oppression, or change in the state of national affairs. I just don’t see it. It is illogical. It is nothing short of horrendous murder.

I contend we shouldn’t refer to these horrible acts by radicalized people as suicide bombings but simply as murderous bombings. Because that’s what they are. A murder of innocents that just has the bomber as collateral damage.

My response to these events is always horror and disgust. I abhor them and get angry about the world we live in that creates such ideologies and feelings. But I do see that I have a somewhat different response to these events than many others. I suspect this is something to do with being an autistic. But that’s just what I think, it’s not something I can say definitively really.

smilies-110650_1280Emotional responses, and emotional feelings and expression are always different and difficult to interpret and express at times. I wrote about this more fully in a post called Emotional Dissonance.

I see family members, acquaintances, friends and colleagues wearing their hearts on their sleeves, being extremely impacted by such events. My response is different. Somewhere inside me I think I hold that emotional response within me and it leeches out in different ways at different times.

I suspect that this is the kind of thing that allows autistics to be labelled as lacking empathy, uncaring and unkind. But all of that is absolute myth and rubbish. I emote deeply, I feel so deeply on things that to express that would be something of an explosion of emotion that would be like the eruption of a Mount Vesuvius. I suspect there would not be many people who would be up for being around such an outburst of emotion.

One thing I notice about my own emotional responses, when events like this or other disasters or events is that I seem to respond more demonstrably to events, feelings and issues portrayed in far more trivial settings with much more raw emotion.

A lovers tiff on a sitcom, the death of a character in a book or movie and I will be quite the mess, tears rolling down the face and me sobbing. I wonder if this is a situation of me, perhaps subconsciously exerting and expressing in a somewhat safe way the underlying, deeply felt pain and sadness that is unexpressed in the face of obvious traumatic circumstances like these terror attacks today in France.

emoticons-150528_1280This is just some thoughts about  the unknown response I have to these events. Responses that are often on my mind around these times. As my mind wonders to itself, why aren’t I more impacted by this terrible thing. Why am I just seemingly so outwardly cold about it when I know that I feel it deeply in my soul.

I don’t know the answer, but perhaps what I have shared above is a glimpse of what may be part of the answer.