Life. It’s certainly never fails to throw us curve balls, or bouncers, or sometimes even mulligrubbers. I guess I’ve mixed up my ball sports there but never the less. the point is that life often doesn’t go to plan.
Life is A Beautiful Ride
I’m a proud autistic man, and have only had the privilege of being able to out and own that for a relatively short period of time. I spent a lot of my life pretending to be normal. Pretending I was just like everybody else, even though I knew deep down I wasn’t. I am neurologically different, but I digress.
I never expected life to throw me the curve ball of an immediate family that refuses to speak to me.
I never expected to have the bouncer of losing contact with much of my family at the request of my immediate family.
I never expected the mulligrubber balls I have had with the death of my beloved Grandma this week.
I didn’t expect to be making a second drive from Melbourne to Sydney and back in a week.
I didn’t expect to be grieving my beloved Grandmother.
I most certainly did not expect to be in a situation of attending her funeral and being in the same room as my immediate family for the first time of significance in close to twenty years.
I’ve written in the past about the emotional dissonance that I as an autistic man experience. I’ve spoken about the utterly potent experience of empathy and emotion I feel and experience, even though I may not express this always in the most preferable ways. Yes I have indeed, been known to inappropriately let it all hang out, to have what is commonly known as a meltdown or a shutdown.
I am a strong advocate for Autistics being autistic, living as autistic, living true to that reality, not pretending, as they say, to be normal.
But…
There are times, I believe, that, it is appropriate, if we can, to make the effort to pass. To make every effort to select the correct rules, to select the best social strategies and responses that will be seen as acceptable. Yes there are times to do this. And I am pretty sure that the coming situation of my Grandma’s funeral might just qualify as one of them.
So….
I will do my very best, not to let it all hang out. To not respond to the bait that will likely be presented. To disengage from situations and interactions that start to move towards social and emotional difficulties. When placed in the situation of being in the same place at the same time as my parents and sisters I will attempt, try, and do my very very best to not let me emotional responses get the better of me, to not go into meltdown or shutdown situation but to pass as neurotypical. Or at least to pass enough to there not be a scene. To not be a ruinous interaction of other people’s grief and remembrance.
This will be difficult, but for my part, I will not be the catalyst for other people’s experiences being made less than they should or could be as they remember the wonderful woman my Grandmother was and the celebration of the wonderful life she lived.
But…
The thing that I, and of course, many other autistics know, is that whilst at times we can pull this off, there is a hidden cost. To the uneducated or unknowing by standing neurotypical, this is not seen and not known. They probably in fact wonder why we can’t do this all the time.
The cost in fact is expensive. It is exacted from our very bodies.
After an event of passing or faking it. I will be utterly exhausted. Prone to emotional shortness and susceptible to meltdown for some days afterwards. I will be prone to depression and anxiety impacts far more so than normal. Yes the cost is an expensive one and it makes its presence felt and ensures it makes its withdrawal from our account.
And so…
I am a proud autistic man and I now live a life of pretending no more, but, for some special people, in some special situations I will make an exception. I hope and pray it will not cost too much and I will pull it off. My Grandmother deserves it.
Yes, indeed I have been thrown some unexpected balls in life, and not a few in the last few weeks.
This is one of those times when it is positively one of those times when it is patently not time to let it all hang out.
It sounds trite – but you aren’t alone in having been divided from family. It makes no sense: the people who are supposed to love us, care for us, welcome us home, instead make it clear that we aren’t welcome; we are met with anger, rejection, taunting. “You are nothing to us.” Can there be worse pain in all the world?
I agree that there are circumstances when we must try “not to upset anyone.” But you count; your grief counts, and however you express it is valid. Please make room for your grief in a place and at a time when you feel it’s okay to let it all hang out.
With empathy, Gone Wild
Thanks Gone Wild. Appreciate your thoughts.
This is a very sensitive and wonderful piece. I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing out of your pain. It does help us to learn from one another. Wishing you all the best in the future.
Thank you for your kind comments.
Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother and for the loss of your family. It is unfortunate that they cut you out as opposed to offering a safe place where you can be yourself.
Sending you courage and strength.
Thanks Pascale. The loss is indeed hard. My estrangement is a long and hurtful thing of which I have attempted to reconcile, unfortunately it takes two sides to do so. Thanks you for your comments
Reblogged this on Harley in Wonderland and commented:
This is a beautiful piece that gives “normies” an inside scoop of what its like for autistic adults. Maybe if more people read things like this, they’d be less quick to judge or condemn.
Thank you for the comment and the reblog. Very much appreciated.
You’re very welcome. Reading your blog put me in mind of my brother. He’s not autistic but he’s so severely brain damaged in his frontal lobe, they thought we was. They didn’t diagnosis him properly and start getting him treatment until he was in his mid-20’s. By then our relationship was already so crappy it was circling the drain. I miss him sometimes. But he doesn’t really want to hang with me anymore. That and we live too far away from each other. 🙁 Now is one of those times I actually miss him.