Hope!

A four letter word. But such a powerful one. True hope, is just that true hope.

Loss devastates us in many ways, yet it is not the end and the all of things. It can be of course but it certainly doesn’t have to be.

sunset-545796_1280Today was for me a difficult day. I attended my dear grandmother’s funeral. I said goodbye to the most important person of my childhood. Yes you ready correctly, the most important person of my childhood. My Grandma was more important and influential than either of my parents. My Grandma was that safe person that every human needs.

You see, my immediate family life is a sordid tale. There are no need for details except that the result is that I now have zero connection with either my actual mother or father or either of my two sisters. It is a difficult and often painful reality.

A result of this sordid past is that I have always struggled with a positive self-worth and in particular an ability to have confidence that things I create, produce, write etc are of any worth.

Today on this day of loss, I was able to stand tall and allow hope to not just grow but to blossom. Over the past few months, I have seen the planting of hope, the cultivating and care of hope in me by some very wonderful friends. Today that care and cultivation was harvested. A blossoming hope sprung forth.

I stood today and read before an a full church building words I had written to eulogize my very special Grandma. I stood before this church with both my sisters and my father and my mother, who all refuse to speak to me, who all belittled me throughout my formative years, with them, sitting in the very front row.

I stood tall today and I read those words and celebrated the life of my Grandma. And those words were powerful words. They were words that brought forth joy, memory, and pathos in the heart and minds of those that heard them.

Hope blossomed in my heart today. As I stood and spoke those words. As I stood in the face of self-doubt and insecurity and I spoke those words. I stood in the face of keltalilja-760963_1280knowing there was a front row who were furious that I was there and believe wholeheartedly I had no right.

Hope blossomed forth from my heart today as numerous people thanked me for those words, and some, even quoted me back to me. Hope blossomed from my soul today in the midst of immense pain and loss.

I spent several hours today for the first time in many years in the same room as my immediate family and did not question my right to be there, did not question the validity of me being there. In the midst of loss today I stood tall and proud in honouring my special grandmother.

In the midst of pain, in the midst of grief and in the midst of loss, my words spoke for me, my writing did wonderful things.

In the midst of loss, hope springs forth, hope that I will not amount to nothing but will be someone wonderful and valuable.

Hope blossoms in the midst of pain and loss. It blossoms and repairs relationships fractured and halted for many years, through ignorance, assumption and fear. Hope blossomed forth today and seared my heart with goodness.

Hope just a small four letter word, yet, not so small after all.