The plan is always there…
There are times when my life looks like absolute chaos. If you were to look at my personal space looking in it can look chaotic and totally without organisation. If you were to look at my schedule or calendar it would look as though there was no schedule or calendar. My to do list would likely be empty, my inbox overflowing, but, the reality is that there is always a plan involved, there is always organisation happening.
It’s not my ideal to have such mess and what looks like disorganisation. My ideal, my most peaceful, is everything in its place, everything neat and tidy, however it doesn’t always happen. What is true in all this is that the externals do not necessarily match the internals.
What looks like no plan, no structure and no organisation is never actually that. What is inadvertently true is that there is always a plan. It may be unpublished, it may not be articulated but it is always there.
The plan is always there, even though, at times, it is almost subconscious.
This is a reality of my autistic identity. I always have an internal plan, for a task, a day, a week, a project. Whatever it is there is a plan. I may be fully aware of that plan but also I may not be aware of it and may need help to identify it.
This is one of those things that makes living with me a challenge. It’s a huge challenge for my family and friends to cope with and work with in being in relationship with me.
I don’t know, but I suspect there is some commonality in this with other autistic people.
Stereotypically, autistics don’t like change. This is a huge generalisation and is not at all helpful in understanding how an autistic mind works. Just like the diverse nature of all human people, some autistics like change and some do not. Personally, change itself is not an issue for me, but unexpected and diversion from the plan, and being placed in a position where control over the plan is removed is incredibly difficult to deal with.
It’s not change as much as it is feeling out of control…
Whether it be the change of what’s happening during the day or diversion in the route of a trip these things are difficult for me. I find them very hard to just role with them. Certainly this can change dependent on how stressed or busy or how much is going on for me at the time.
It is my feeling that the biggest factor in all this is the feeling of losing control. Losing control of expectations and losing control of actions, and losing control of my place in the world.
As an example, in a situation of being a passenger in a car and the driver making an unplanned side trip can be so incredibly difficult for me that it can, and has at times, triggered 
a full-blown meltdown.
For those that are not neurodivergent this seems an utterly unfounded and ridiculous thing to allow to happen, how ridiculous to let such a simple thing as a little diversion have such an impact.
But it does.
I have thought a lot about this. I have thought about the why and the how and what it is that impacts so strongly. I don’t know that I have an answer but I am beginning I think to work out the beginnings of one.
I am beginning to believe that it is all about lack of control or perhaps, the anxiety of feeling out of control and controlled by the choices and actions of others. I think this also ties in, at least for me, with a sense of control of physical place in space.
This, I think interacts with breaking from the schedule or plan that I am consciously or subconsciously following for the day, the task the whatever it is.
It all kind of combines together to throw me so far from the expectation that I feel so out of control and it all goes to shit and at some level the only way to reassert control is to explode. It’s not a conscious choice it is something that almost happens to me. It is something in me that I despise, that I hate, that I never want to see, ever.
But it is there, it happens, and all I seem able to do is to manage it, to minimise it.
When it happens it has an aftermath. The aftermath is a deep feeling of disgust in myself. A deep feeling of guilt and shame, a deep sense of failure. An overwhelming state of exhaustion and need to hide away and recover.
What to do about the plan…
The way I see it, is there is always a plan. How to deal with this is a two-way thing. It involves me and it involves others.
For me it is about being aware of the plan, organising the plan outwardly, be it a list or a schedule or some other way, communicating the plan to others.
If I can communicate the plan to myself and to others, and, communicate the difficulties to changes in the plan, then others can be aware that changes to the plan, without the space to re-organise the plan can be devastatingly difficult, then this is a first step to less anxiety and less lack of control.
For the part of others, well that’s for them, but I think, all I can hope for is that they can begin to understand that it is not just rigidity or hatred of change but something much more complex and that by being able to know my plan and work with me when changes are needed that we can in fact move forward together in our relationships.
In the end the plan needs to be honoured but not worshipped. It needs to be given a preference but not an unwavering servitude. The plan is there, it is important, but it is not the king of all things.
That’s what I think might work for me anyway….
I can really identify with much of the importance of “the plan.
Like you I don’t have a well itemised calendar etc despite my best intentions of buying diaries for Special projects and life in general. Practical stuff like appointments are noted but that’s about it.
My plans exist strongly in my mind… internal plans for me are ongoing and continually revised like an ongoing developing draft of my main project at the time. Life matters must be addressed but , like you, if something intrudes upon my schedule it really throws me into a panic , it isn’t losing control over others but over my self, my life, which in reality translates as control over my own mind.
I rarely explode but I do implode… the anxiety level escalates and , like you, I feel i’m losing my grip over my life, my place in life and there can be an overwhelming sense of both panic and loss as my sense of self seems to disintegrate.
My rare explosions occur when there is a complete impasse in communication and this happens almost exclusively with someone who is closely related, either biologically or primary relationship.
I’m fine with planned change and actually look towards a change of environment with feelings of positive expectation and some apprehension about not having everything adequately planned and packed. The what if I’ve forgotten something important , essential and I defuse these fears to some extent by making lists of things to do and take to cater for all possibilities ticking off items or actions as they’ve been dealt with.
On the changes that involve not big change of place but change in Time , and all that is associated with that be it unexpected social interactions, non autism friendly physical environments, as well as the temporary chasm in the continuity of what i was working on can be very daunting.
Anxiety is featuring a lot isn’t it? Planning is happening also but much of it internally and externally recording the plan can alleviate some of the anxiety.
Is it any wonder that we’re not great at working in groups, teams etc?
How to manage on occasions where we do join with others on some project?
This I find difficult as I need to have in my mind an understanding and vision of the context within which I’m to operate. Not having an understanding that I can visualise makes everything so difficult.
Working together with non autistic people is difficult especially if they’ve formed and have not only understanding of the context but also the ownership of a project in that content and use of content and where it all fits is understood.
The difficulty lies in that NT people don’t seem to need to know where their work fits within the total picture and find it quite strange, possibly an affront when asked for a more detailed account of the project.
It has just occurred to me that because I don’t fit in in so many ways in the NT world that my work is my prime existence in that world.
If such projects change in mid stream or do not fit with how I interpreted things that can cause a mental road block resulting in acute anxiety. These situations have caused me sleepless nights trying to find ways of addressing these unwelcome issues.
As you said it is better if you communicate your plan to others and they have an understanding not only of it but also of the need to alert you to possible changes that may occur from their side.
Sometimes we are in the position when we have to depend on the ability of others to appreciate the magnitude of our difficulties and not see needs as being unreasonable expectations. Our way of being may seem to NTs as being very demanding and self- centred and in some ways it is, but on the other hand the same can, from our perspective, be said of non autistics operating from their natural manner of being.
Here I’ve entered briefly your post of Misunderstandings, Confusions and Accommodation being two way.