T is for Tired
It seems to be a perpetual state of being. Tired, always tired. Why is this the fact, yet it seems to be so common when I speak with other autistic people.
Tired, a state that is always the case, just in varying degrees of intensity.
Of course, the irony is that whilst many autistic people are perpetually tired, it is also common for us to have difficulties with sleep too.
But that’s not why we’re tired all the time, well I suppose it has a contribution but I don’t think it is the main reason. I think the main reason is a lot more to do with the requirements of making our way in a world that is not designed for us. Making social interaction in situations we don’t understand the rules, remembering the rules of how to act in places, remembering the rules about what to say and what not to say.
That’s just the start. There is so much more that contributes to it.
Virtually all things we involve accommodating ourselves to a neurotypical and allistic way of acting, being, listening, speaking, working etc..
Just walking my daughter to school involves this. We live very close to the school so thankfully on the occasion I need to do this it is only a short experience. However, it involves sharing a footpath with many others parents and children, walking through a crowded and busy school ground with many people walking and kids running around and playing.
If you are a neurotypical person reading that you probably think, yeah ok so what, no big deal about that. That’s just an ordinary everyday thing to do.
If you are an autistic person reading you are possibly nodding your head with an understanding of what is involved in this ordinary day to day thing to do.
Faced with encountering a crowded footpath, involves a constant inner dialogue of assessing, analysing and deciding which people are the ones that I should greet and which ones shouldn’t I. Is that facial expression a friendly one that seeks a response? I am not sure. Coupled with this is dealing with the how to negotiate the space, which way do I dodge and weave as I pass this person, oh-oh, that person is stopping to have a chat with that other person, what do I do, do I just go around, do I say excuse me?
Then the school yard, people going in all directions, words flying, kids playing, it’s a bit of a nightmare, with working out your bodily space, again who do I interact with, was that person wanting to interact or not? Was that greeting just a social greeting 
that I return and keep going or was it perhaps a signal of wanting further interaction.
This small ordinary everyday task is difficult, it is a task that takes up significant emotional, sensory and intellectual resources. It contributes to the state of being tired.
I confess, I avoid this task as often as possible, and thankfully my family members are generally able to do it for me.
I used to be a primary school teacher, I did this for a few years. It was a major contributor to a state of perpetual tiredness. A day of interacting with 20 plus young children, negotiating all the social interactions of that. Often meetings at the end of the day with other staff.
Actually, I was pretty good with the kids side of things, but the doing stuff with another staff was somewhat of a disaster for me. When it came to reading all the unwritten rules of the workplace, understanding when the boss asked for opinions on an issue for example, well the difficulty there was trying to work out the times they really meant that or when they just wanted it to look like they were consulting with staff. I pretty much always got that wrong.
Then there were the times where staff complained about things, so thinking you were doing the right thing you raise it at a meeting only to be left there as the only person speaking up.
This is a situation of just being like an alien in exile, not understanding which rules applied in which situation. It contributed greatly to perpetual exhaustion.
What I am saying in this, is that just living as an autistic in a neurotypical world is an exhaustion creating reality. One could easily interpret it all as just complaining about how life is, and I suppose some will always consider that that is what is occurring. However, to those I would say, try to imagine your life, as though you walk around seeing everything through a translucent or opaque reality and every moment you have, every interaction you have is an academic, emotional exercise in assessing what the rules of this interaction will be and select from your known rules the best one. And that’s before the interaction actually happens.
I can only truly speak for myself in this, but I imagine it is similar for other autistic people too. None of those interactions come naturally or automatically. They just don’t. And they don’t, not because they can’t but because society has taught that our natural response is not different but the wrong one.
Our so called diverse and open society and its rules are in fact very narrow and quite closed. Ostracising occurs pretty darn quickly when you get them wrong.
T is for Tired…
There is a sense, well that’s how it seems anyway, that we autistics can just learn to be typical. And to a point there is some legitimacy in that, however, from my point of view, that way of acting and being will always be an act, a persona, a costume put on. It is not natural and it is tiring and exhausting. And there is a catch, and, I think it is a big catch.
The catch is that as we teach autistics and neurodivergent people so-called social skills, interaction rules, workplace rules, 
conversation skills, whatever you want to call them, we build up the plethora of information to be sorted through and analysed in every situation before being applied.
The catch is that as more resources like this are provided, using those resources contributes more to the level of tiredness and exhaustion we experience.
The catch is that to use these resources is like going in and out of a mental filing cabinet for every interaction and finding the right file, then the right document in that file and then, hoping against hope we have made the correct decision and we are not about to commit a social faux par.
All of this makes me incredibly tired. Exhausted, in fact, and sometimes it gets all too much and all that I can do is retreat into my cave. To kind of shut down and just recharge with doing pretty much nothing.
T is for Tired…
Oh so true Richard! My perpetual state is tiredness, but do I stop ” doing” stuff , “thinking ” etc no so I push myself beyond limits and end up in another physical crash. I believe this led to or contributed greatly to a severe state of Chronic Fatigue… which was DX as Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction syndrome about 17 yrs ago.. and from which I still have severe relapses where I can’t function at all… physically, mentally or emotionally…
You described the ” crowd’ situations very well for as we know ” crowds” ( swarming masses of people seemingly meandering aimlessly) can be even just a ” handful of people” ( literally impossible and an intentional metaphor ) it is as you say ” negotiating space” , the “acknowledgement of others” and at times holding one’s breath in and exacerbating a panic attack. Non- autistics do pass all this off as ” nothing” but then they actively seek crowds… busy shopping centres, rock concerts, Moomba, the agricultural shows etc. How I would love to see White Night… but it is not possible… swarming masses, chaos for all senses etc.
Thinking! mental activity uses a great deal of energy not only for autistics but also for non-autistics but the latter don’t have to be hyper vigilant, recalling, self censoring, thinking and appraising every situation without the ” guide book”… it is so wearing to be in self protective mode all the time and also be ” protecting /considering the other mode ” in a state of non offensive accomodating the non autistics mode. Very hard to do particularly when the non autistics do NOT say what they mean hence continually give mixed messages. Why can’t they be straightforward instead of deceptive?
Now use of that word” deceptive” was very ” provocative” I should not have said that as it implies a “flaw” and possibly a deliberate action to deceive… but I don’t believe it is that in many cases but a weird way of avoiding” offending by telling the truth”. Can the truth be told without offending? I think so but it takes effort and empathy to present a considered opinion that is inoffensive… so I guess the ‘ white lie” the mixed messages are quick convenient means to convey a possibly hurtful message without having to “wear ” that possibly perceived ” nastiness” All of this is very draining and leaves me tired, exhausted at times to the point of shutdown.
I seem to recall hearing or reading that many autistics continue to develop neuronal connections as they age whereas non autistics drop off connections. May be I’m mistaken? But this would explain why many of us find life extremely tiring as we age ( more so than mainstream people) . At the Chronic Fatigue Support Groups I attended when I lived in Melbourne it was noticeable that the majority of these people were, prior to coming down with a huge ongoing episode of exhaustion that did not abate, very active dedicated people who achieved much in their lives. Their achievements and personalities were not your normal NT type… so I’d venture to say that it is quite likely that many may also have been on the spectrum. Most also had digestive tract issues and food intolerances.
My point in mentioning all that is that these people were always being told to “get over it” or that once they had reached the CFS state that they were lazy etc. and should just get on with living life in the manner of those without CFS. Sound familiar?
From my experience most non autistics seem incapable of imaging a life without the basic levels of energy and have unrealistic expectations of autistics… NTs are unaware of the unseen, unspoken and unheard , unexperienced difficulties faced by people on the autism spectrum. Placing demands upon autistics to live like Neurotypicals is as you so rightly say another impost upon our health with our energy levels exhausted… and shutdown or meltdown more likely.
T is for tiredness… a tiredness that is always there… every morning …and NO I’m not depressed.. I’m tired and often extremely tired, then exhausted.
Experienced same things in teaching…staff dynamics … the insincerity.. the tick the box mentality… and all those times when others seemed to really feel there was a serious matter of concern so when no one brought it up at the staff meeting muggins me did… and not one of the previously very vocal colleagues gave support… all sat in silence distancing themselves from me ( that” gross body language” .).. so obvious w/o subtlety so that they ensured they wouldn’t be seen as party to my outspokenness.
Why do they do this?
Yes. All my teaching was in the period 2005 to 2008 in schools. Right in the midst of the the contract debacle that it is. I had a 12 month contract, followed by a 12 month at another school, followed by a 2 six months at another school and then 2 six months at another school.
I could never manage to negotiate through the re-employment interview process. Because I was unable to put on the right performance or presentation in the end.
I was told by a colleague on the panel of one interview that I just didn’t bring it all out enough or something. The record of what I had achieved with the kids stood for nothing.