It starts so quietly, almost imperceptibly, almost sneakily. But even now it’s building. Slowly but surely building. From nothing it’s building, from nothing it can become an explosion of pressure, spurting itself out with such speed and intensity it can be likened to a steam escaping from a pressure cooker. Yes, it’s building, ever so quietly, ever so constantly, ever so consistently to the inevitable point of no return.
Meltdown is a completely appropriate term for it. It can conjure an accurate image of the high and low of the event, the high energy raw feelings, thoughts and words spewing out and the low, complete feeling of being utterly spent, feeling like an absolute failure as a human, palpable sense of shame dragging oneself lower and lower. The inevitable ending of escape into self, escape into solitude, 
silence and recovery.
It’s building. It’s always building. Without a release valve it keeps on building. It’s building and I’m not sure it can be stopped. It sure can’t be demolished, temporarily halted sure, but stopped in its tracks I am not so sure. It builds from so many different sources. Some clear and obvious sources some not so much. It’s never the same. It’s not the same time and again for an individual and not the same person to person either.
It’s building. Yes, it’s a sensory thing, an anxiety thing, a how grounded you are thing. But building it certainly is. And building it will continue to do. Really the only way to avoid it is to completely isolate oneself, to effectively wrap oneself in cotton wool, never to experience the ebb and flow of living life amongst other people, the ebb and flow of self-care, the ebb and flow of caring for others, the ebb and flow of day-to-day life. So we let it build.
It’s building and all we can do is try to manage it. Try to circumvent its progress, to temporarily derail its progress, to cushion ourselves from its effect.
I reckon every autistic has something different that builds into meltdown. That builds quietly, consistently and constantly to that moment of inevitable eruption. There are tools we use, earplugs, tinted glasses, noise-cancelling headphones, iPods, tables clothing, weighted blankets, weighted clothing. They are invaluable tools to assist in slowing down the building. But still it’s building.
It’s building, no matter where you are, it’s building, it could be in your home but it’s building, it could be the shopping centre and it’s building, it could be in the car and it’s building. It could be the local café and yes it’s building here too. No matter where you go and when you go it’s building.
It’s not a tantrum, it’s not a bad mood, it’s not an anger management problem, it’s none of those things, it’s building, constantly and it’s debilitating when it reaches finality. It doesn’t matter who is around, how it will embarrass those around, these things just don’t come into it. No it’s not like the toddler not getting their way and throwing themselves on the ground. It’s not that, it’s much more primal and 
raw than that. But it is something like a raw panic attack, or perhaps something like a psychotic break from reality, in that it is effectively an experience where rationality and control is lost, or at the very least extremely diminished.
Oftentimes escape is the only pressure release valve in my personal experience. Getting out of the situation before actual meltdown occurs. It provides a temporary release valve, a temporary reprieve. But yes, it is still building.
It begins in the home, too many people talking at once, struggling to filter and focus on the conversations that need to be followed. The building has started. A walk through the school yard right on as the bell goes and it continues to build as I struggle to keep my sense of where I am in connection with my physical world as people move en mass in all different directions, parents walking and talking, teachers leading lines of children, unpredictable movement and it’s building. A trip to the local café in search of a quiet cup of coffee and it continues to build as the occupants of the next table speak more loudly and continually than is comfortable, along with a group of people meeting at a larger table talking over one another, as I try to focus on the book I read, it keeps building. The longer I stay the faster it builds.
Yet somehow I find myself seemingly stuck there, unable to muster up the executive skills to realise how much it is building. How quickly it is now building. Now is the time to act, to get out of the place, to escape to solitude and quiet. It is in this situation, at this point that if I do not gather myself enough to get out of the situation that meltdown will occur. Yes it’s building fast and strong now.
What I have described is a picture of how it is for me, it is I am sure different for all, but perhaps there are some similarities. An important thing I have learned is that if I am thwarted from my escape, then a sudden and final building into a meltdown experience is almost inevitable. It will take just one small thing from that point to tip me over that edge.
And tipping over that edge is not a fun thing, it is not an experience I or those around enjoy, and it is not something to just get my own 
way in a situation. When I embarrass others I am devastated at that, when I hurt others with my words I am also devastated. I often feel extremely ashamed, and always am utterly exhausted.
Meltdowns are not fun. They are horrible, for the one having the meltdown and the ones around them. Let me assure you, if they could be avoided then they would be.
Meltdowns they don’t just happen the pressure builds to the point of no return.
Meltdowns, they are horrible, I don’t seek absolution from them but I do seek understanding about them.
Yes it’s building. And it will keep building…. and building…
Exactly! So well understood and described Richard, the build up and that paralysis that comes at the ” too late point” where to seek refuge is impossible. Maybe the point of diffusion has long past…. many steps/situations back and the attempts we make to ” deal ” with the build up only succeed in compounding and sort of solidifying it within our selves… sort of like a dark energy consuming inner creative light. I experience this anguish as a murder of self… not a suicide… a murder of my existential being as I feel invisible to the consciousness of others. My existence is denied as indeed it is when an environment conducive to my living a healthy (in multiple aspects) and creative life is not only denied but appears to be actively thwarted via the external world.
Afterwards I’m mortified by my lack of control, my letting go and the fallout upon others and myself.
I wonder if it would be better to
let go” much earlier when the aftermath to self and others is less destructive?
We have probably been encouraged to ” hold it all in’ and “soldier on ” something that we are very good at in fact I feel that we may even have and exercise a greater capacity to do this than others who use nastiness/bitchiness /revenge or some form of pay back as their method of diffusing… it seems this is socially acceptable and yet I find it more corrosive and destructive to others than the volcanic eruption. Patience and adaptive means we’ve tried to employ to avert such an explosion/meltdown… either predominately manifested internally or externally can only be maintained to a point.
Beyond that point there is no way back. I don’t recommend that we try to develop the maladaptive methods of nastiness/bitchiness/ revenge or pay back but maybe there is another way. I recently read that Steve Jobs and other such people allowed themselves to cry… yes… to cry in public… that would be our biological release mechanism… why let “social appearances ” held so dearly by others dictate our response and thereby plunging us into the inevitable meltdown?
Does society have a taboo on crying in order to avoid having to be accountable for the prevalence of socially acceptable destructive behaviours?
Meltdowns or not we aren’t considered within the equation.. to cry is unacceptable and so is it to Meltdown… I guess all that remains is “Shutdown/Withdrawal… maybe that is what non verbal people have ” chosen ” to do out of an understanding of the futility of their position/situation?!
Just realised that mainstream use other methods, one’s that we are not able to have any real command , such as manipulation… in order to manipulate somebody I reckon one would have to have an excellent command of all this unwritten rules and manners of “acceptable” behaviours. If we had that we, by definition , wouldn’t be autistic we’d be neurotypical.
Wow, this. Thank you for another brilliant, accurate, thoughtful, and we’ll written piece.
Your words are always inspiring, always pertinent, & always thought provoking. You give words and meaning to my own meltdowns that I struggle to describe. Thank you.