Wandering around in my head this evening are so many thoughts that compete for my attention. As an Autistic man I sit with logic and emotions battling it out in an age-old battle-royale championship title fight. There is no hint as to who will be victorious. The eventual winner will raise their arm high in victory and strap the title belt around their waist, but yet no hint as to who that will be.
Emotional pain and turmoil rage in a tumult of ups and downs and swings and roundabouts. It is always a joy to return to the familiar sights of my home town Sydney. It is an emotional assault of nostalgia and wonder as memories of past times flood past on the screen of history. And yet, to be here in this place amidst these nostalgic memories on this day at this time and in this situation can’t be separated from the reality of why…
A supremely strong, wonderfully kind and utterly caring example of humanity begins to shrug off their mortal coil and begin their journey onwards. The embodiment of all that is good in humanity, which worked to protect, sustain, encourage and celebrate you begins the assent to what lies ahead. Pain continues to grow and build.
Logic and reason are on the ropes, punch-drunk with days and hours of emotional onslaughts. Seemingly this logic is beyond all chance is that final foray before the end by emotion is imminent…
A long life lived for others…
A joyous imputation of kindness….
A giving to fellow humanity that spreads the world…
This long life can’t go forever and this wonderful example of humanity has enjoyed a long long time and it stands to reason it can’t go on forever. A better life lived would be hard to find and more people helped and touched by this giving of self, would seem impossible too.
The arousal of logic in this battle is just beginning. Reflection of all the wonder provided after being touched by such a person starts to flicker and filter through the grey matter and synapses of the brain.
Strength returns to the arms and fists of the fight of logic. Striking back from against the ropes…
Desperate measures from each opponent rise and fall as foray after foray of logical thought and reflection and pain and angst of emotional memory and felt realities rise and fall against each other.
So many rounds later, so many times each has the other against the ropes. Many time has each stumbled to their knees or found themselves down for the count seemingly finished.
Yet somehow, each of them, at the very precipice of defeat and destruction rally and counter the other. Still there is no real way of telling who will raise the title above their heads with ecstatic satisfaction.
So many rounds of battle, so many hits, so many dodges and weaves. There were so many times where it looked as though the knockout blow had been delivered.
But no. A moment of clarity. There can be no victor here. There can be no singular defeat of one over the other. It can only be a joint victory or a separation will bring only joint defeat.
Continuing in this vain will merely weaken the self and it’s capacity to continue its own journey. Indeed to follow in the very footsteps of this wonderful human person whose life has given rise to this very battle.
The wanderings continue within my mind, around my head, yet it is clear that my emotions and my logic need not be at war with each other. The victory here is assured. The two stand together interlocked arms raise above their heads the title.
It is not a singular victory but an integrated triumph.