Discovery and then acceptance of being autistic was a real forward step for me in accepting myself as a person, and, in hindsight a real step to uncovering my repressed true gender and transness.
As I discovered that I was autistic so many things fell into space and I was able to make sense of so many things about my life and how they made sense now. This was a switch in outlook for me, because, whilst there was always an inner dialogue for me of feeling different and speaking that to myself there was also a sense of wrongness, badness, and uselessness at negotiating the world.
Diagnosis was like a light at the end of the tunnel, and it wasn’t the onncoming train at the other end.
Oh there was so much to learn, mistakes to make, other autistics to hurt and upset, for which I am truly ashamed and sorry about. But it was in a sense a moment of clarity. A moment where all the dots lined up and a line could be drawn easily connecting them together. Not as perfectly straight line but a line nonetheless.
First belief, then acceptance, then celebration and embracing of being different not less. Touchstone moments. Moments that meant something intensely important.
The years of school walking through a fog suddenly had some meaning and reasoning behind it.
The difficulty with friendships, social interactions, missing so many cues all of a sudden it wasn’t just failure it was neurology.
The intense stress when faced with a multiplicity of sound sources suddenly wasn’t weird but just the way I was.
The way I would attempt to create order and categorising, the way I would create little stims with my hands, though I didn’t know that’s what they were.
All of this suddenly made sense. It all had a reason. Actions had a purpose, and even the bullying, though i’m not in anyway excusing it, made sense because, you know, we humans are pretty horrible at accepting difference.
So Imagine my surprise when after coming out trans, starting hormone therapy and living in my true gender identity that suddenly a bunch of that stuff didn’t seem to have the same impact.
Being social is somehow easier – I mean even the desire to be social is hugely enhanced.
Being able to connect with my emotions and express empathy seems to be more accessible.
Communication doesn’t seem as fraught. And, I think that just maybe I might even be a bit better at picking up some of those cues that I always missed.
Clearly this is just one transwoman’s experience and idea. And of course there is no empirical evidence, just my feelings and insights about myself. I think they are valid, when it comes to myself. I wouldn’t think of expressing that these things will happen to any autistic person who comes out with their sexuality or gender divergence.
To say such a thing would be utterly presumptuous and the height of personal arrogance.
On the upside though, I am left with a sense of feeling better about myself, more positive about negotiating the world and connecting with other humans. It’s a somewhat strange but wonderful feeling.
I am left wondering though. What I wonder is whether this is a result of hormonal change or just a result of self realisation and actualisations .
Is it that aspects being autistic were heightened or more intense due to a hormonal wrongness which are being adjusted as my hormonal balance becomes what it should be?
Or is it more about the reality of coming out, owning my true self, living my true self and transitioning, enabled some kind of change in intensity of autism stuff.
I am left wondering I don’t have an answer really, or even a real theory about it. But would I do know is that it is a surprise to me.
A wonderful unexpected surprise.
It’s not that I am less autistic, it’s just that how my autistic life interacts with the world and the people in it is a little bit different to how it was.
It is unexpected but good I think!